I came by this habit honestly. My mom is the same way. Her dad is the same way. It's this vicious chain of worry. I think this all stems from worrying that we aren't doing our part. I have this drive to be absolutely certain that I have done everything in my power to accomplish everything I'm supposed to accomplish. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not doing my part. I don't want anyone to be able to accuse me of dropping the ball. Here's a great diagram from Pinterest that captures the fruitlessness of worry:
The Bible has all sorts of verses about not worrying. I know those verses. I believe those verses. I know my God will care for me and will help me through whatever comes my way. I just struggle with putting those verses into practice. I feel like God wants me to do my part and he will help me when I get stuck, which should almost never happen if I do my part. That is completely warped thinking. He commands us to cast ALL our cares on him in 1 Peter 5:6-7. Or what about Proverbs 3:5, 6 which tells us to not lean on our own understanding but acknowledge him instead. Or what about Luke 12:25 which talks about how we can't even add a single hour to our lives by worrying. There are many, many more verses that cover this topic.
I guess what I need to do is continually remind myself of these verses. I need to make conscious efforts to cast all of my cares on Him because he DOES care for me. I also need to be patient and let God do the work in my heart. Only he can change my sinful ways. I can't change them myself as much as I want to. I can work on them, sure. But I can't completely eradicate them from my life without God's help.
Today I don't have to work thanks to Presidents' Day. I was puttering around the house enjoying my morning. I slowly settled down into my devotions because I wanted to enjoy every moment of not being rushed. I was really into reading John 11 when BOOM. I remembered that I was supposed to provide a snack sometime soon for my husband to take with him to seminary. I had no idea when it was supposed to be other than it was a Monday. I started to panic because I didn't want anyone to think that Ben had a forgetful loser for a wife. Then I started to panic even more because I knew I would have to check my work e-mail to see if it was today. I long ago made a rule for myself to not check work e-mail at home because it works me up into a tizzy. Sometimes, like today, it can't be avoided. I'm always worried that I will have to deal with upset parents who e-mail me with problems. That little innocent thought spiraled me down a path of anxiety all for nothing. It turns out I have until March 19th before I have to bring a snack. I let my worries about how I appear to others rob me of the joy I receive from taking my time to study God's word. I guess I'm using this blog post to preach to myself about my sin of worry. I think it's working...for now.
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