Fail

It's 11:43pm. I have to get up early to start teacher's in-service tomorrow. I wasn't supposed to take a nap today, but I did. I was just going to close my eyes for a minute. I even left my glasses on and laid my book on my stomach so I wouldn't sleep too long. Two hours later I woke up frustrated. I knew it would mean not being able to sleep later. I was right.

So, I just got back up because I can't sleep. My husband is peacefully sleeping. Grrr...it's always worse when he can sleep and I can't.

I have this record playing over and over again in my head. It's replaying all of my failures of the summer. Friends I didn't call. Weddings I didn't RSVP to. Birthdays I forgot. Couples we didn't have over. Online workshops I didn't finish. The bathroom that somehow never gets cleaned. Organizational projects I didn't complete. Spiritual goals I didn't reach. Fail. Fail. Fail.

These failures keep repeating themselves over and over and over in my head. When will I grow up? When will I accomplish what I intend to accomplish? When will I stop forgetting responsibilities? Could I ever live a life with minimal responsibilities? Do I need to move away from others and work only for myself in order to get my life straight? Am I incapable of functioning in normal human society?

I want to think that if I had no friends, no job, no church obligations, no family I could have my life planned out perfectly. I would answer to no one but me. I wouldn't let anyone down. I wouldn't ruin any relationships because, well, I wouldn't have any relationships. The only person I could disappoint would be me (and maybe my husband because I desperately need him by my side).

Now, I know that life free from responsibility is impossible to attain. No matter where I go, there will be relationships to work out. No matter where I go, I will have some obligation of some form. If I don't, I will be a miserable, cantankerous old wretch.

God wants me to interact with other Christians. There are all sorts of verses about interacting with friends and family. As much as I fail my friends and family, I need them desperately. I love all of my friends and family members. I couldn't really function without them. I need friends to drink coffee with. I need my mom to sing "You Poor Unfortunate Soul" in her very best Ursula impression every time I get too dramatic. I need my church family to keep caring about me. I need my brothers to pick on me. I need my dad to ask me about my weight. I need my sisters-in-law to talk literature with. I need to serve others so I stop focusing on me.

So, it's almost midnight. I'm under 8 hours of sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing a public blog post when I'm unable to sleep. What can I take away from this wandering rambling? I need others. I can't escape the relationships God has placed in my life just because I've done a shoddy job keeping up my end of the relationship. I never really wanted to be completely free of relationships anyways. I love my friends and family too much. I need to start praying and asking God to help me improve in my weak areas. I need to apologize to friends and family for slacking in being a good friend and relative. I need to work to cultivate the relationships in my lives. I need to shift focus from myself and onto those around me.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I can't fix anything right now. I can start tomorrow by sending off wedding gifts to the weddings I didn't make it to. Maybe later this week I'll call my best friend, Elizabeth. I also need to get a birthday card to my sister-in-law, Karen. Oh, and that bathroom needs to be cleaned too. I'll tackle each failure one at a time.  Right now, I've gotten it all off my chest. It's time to shut off the brain and head to bed. I can conquer my failures tomorrow. Sorry for the vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my mixed up thoughts. Hopefully it will encourage others who struggle with the same issues. Good night.