Fail

It's 11:43pm. I have to get up early to start teacher's in-service tomorrow. I wasn't supposed to take a nap today, but I did. I was just going to close my eyes for a minute. I even left my glasses on and laid my book on my stomach so I wouldn't sleep too long. Two hours later I woke up frustrated. I knew it would mean not being able to sleep later. I was right.

So, I just got back up because I can't sleep. My husband is peacefully sleeping. Grrr...it's always worse when he can sleep and I can't.

I have this record playing over and over again in my head. It's replaying all of my failures of the summer. Friends I didn't call. Weddings I didn't RSVP to. Birthdays I forgot. Couples we didn't have over. Online workshops I didn't finish. The bathroom that somehow never gets cleaned. Organizational projects I didn't complete. Spiritual goals I didn't reach. Fail. Fail. Fail.

These failures keep repeating themselves over and over and over in my head. When will I grow up? When will I accomplish what I intend to accomplish? When will I stop forgetting responsibilities? Could I ever live a life with minimal responsibilities? Do I need to move away from others and work only for myself in order to get my life straight? Am I incapable of functioning in normal human society?

I want to think that if I had no friends, no job, no church obligations, no family I could have my life planned out perfectly. I would answer to no one but me. I wouldn't let anyone down. I wouldn't ruin any relationships because, well, I wouldn't have any relationships. The only person I could disappoint would be me (and maybe my husband because I desperately need him by my side).

Now, I know that life free from responsibility is impossible to attain. No matter where I go, there will be relationships to work out. No matter where I go, I will have some obligation of some form. If I don't, I will be a miserable, cantankerous old wretch.

God wants me to interact with other Christians. There are all sorts of verses about interacting with friends and family. As much as I fail my friends and family, I need them desperately. I love all of my friends and family members. I couldn't really function without them. I need friends to drink coffee with. I need my mom to sing "You Poor Unfortunate Soul" in her very best Ursula impression every time I get too dramatic. I need my church family to keep caring about me. I need my brothers to pick on me. I need my dad to ask me about my weight. I need my sisters-in-law to talk literature with. I need to serve others so I stop focusing on me.

So, it's almost midnight. I'm under 8 hours of sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing a public blog post when I'm unable to sleep. What can I take away from this wandering rambling? I need others. I can't escape the relationships God has placed in my life just because I've done a shoddy job keeping up my end of the relationship. I never really wanted to be completely free of relationships anyways. I love my friends and family too much. I need to start praying and asking God to help me improve in my weak areas. I need to apologize to friends and family for slacking in being a good friend and relative. I need to work to cultivate the relationships in my lives. I need to shift focus from myself and onto those around me.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I can't fix anything right now. I can start tomorrow by sending off wedding gifts to the weddings I didn't make it to. Maybe later this week I'll call my best friend, Elizabeth. I also need to get a birthday card to my sister-in-law, Karen. Oh, and that bathroom needs to be cleaned too. I'll tackle each failure one at a time.  Right now, I've gotten it all off my chest. It's time to shut off the brain and head to bed. I can conquer my failures tomorrow. Sorry for the vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my mixed up thoughts. Hopefully it will encourage others who struggle with the same issues. Good night.

Don't Be Anxious

      created by melissa at thelazyperfectionist

Maintaining Community

"Community" is currently a buzzword in Christianity. We are constantly encouraged to fellowship with other believers and to build relationships and to share our struggles and to bear one another's burdens and to open our homes and to go out to eat with friends and to send cards and to make phones calls and the list goes on and on.

Just thinking about it makes me squeamish. I'm really not a people person. This quote is so me:

Source: funri.com via Melissa on Pinterest

It's not so much that I'm lazy, I just don't like others dictating my schedule. (That sounds way more selfish typed out than it did in my head.) When I was a little girl, I would beg my mom to send away the neighbors who were asking to play with me. I didn't want to have to play the way someone else wanted to play. (Again, that sounds so much more selfish typed out than in my head.)

Just yesterday I was reading an interview with Jean Craighead George, author of My Side of the Mountain, as I was preparing a lesson for my students. The interviewer of course asked George what tips she had for aspiring writers. My heart soared when I read: "You have to like to be alone. Writing can be lonely, although you do populate your head with all these characters." I want to be a writer one day. I love being alone. Maybe it's okay that I prefer being alone in my apartment than spending time with non-relatives. Maybe my hermit-like tendencies will further my writing career. Maybe I can justify not building relationships.

Right now I can count most of my authentic, living, breathing relationships (outside family) on one hand. It's not that I live in the tundra of Siberia. It's not that I get mad at people easily. It's not that I'm extremely unlikable.

I think what it boils down to is fear. I'm afraid of getting close. I'm afraid of baring my soul to another individual. I'm afraid of getting close to someone only to move far away from them. I'm afraid I will annoy any potential friends. I'm afraid my friends are ashamed of how I dress. I'm afraid others will think I'm presumptuous. I'm afraid to barge into pre-formed friendships. I'm afraid to impose. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing. I'm afraid I'll interrupt them while they're busy. I'm afraid of being rejected.

But God doesn't want me to be all alone. He calls us to build relationships with others. We are to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. There are all sorts of verses about friendship in the Bible. Jesus is the perfect example of the perfect friend.

Here's what I'm going to do about it: I'm going to call up my friends (and even family) within the next two weeks who I've been neglecting while hiding myself away. I have at least two friends that need phone calls. I have one friend who just had a baby and might need an outing with a friend. I have two grandmas who need phone calls. I have countless family members who need Thank-You cards. I have a Starbucks gift card that needs to be used. I have a niece who needs some presents. I have a future sister-in-law who barely knows me. I have a cousin who needs a card in the mail. I have siblings in college who need care packages. I have dear friends who need to eat a meal at my house because they've had me over for hundreds.

I'm going to stop padding myself with my messy house and Netflix obsession and blog reading and ungraded papers and get out there and open myself to community. It's what Jesus would do.

Photo by Jeff Johansen Photography

Using Devotionals

Somewhere along the path of my Christian life I picked up this idea that good Christians don't use devotionals for their devotions. Good Christians pick out all they need to know in the Bible just by reading the Bible and interpreting it for themselves. Good Christians are allowed to read books, but they are to be read only AFTER the Bible has been read first.

I don't think anyone ever taught me this concept directly. I somehow pieced it together from various camp sermons and Bible college classes. It is true that the Bible should be our sole authority. However, using the wisdom of another Christian can be quite helpful.

I think it's time for me to step back and allow another Christian walk me through the Word for a little bit. I heard an advertisement on the radio on Sunday for Laura Story's new devotional: Blessings. So I ordered my own copy as soon as I got home from church that night. It came today! It was only like $6.00 or so.

I can't wait to start it tomorrow morning. I'm hoping it helps me get over my aversion to using devotionals. We'll see!

Photo from freeccm.com

Consider the Lilies

I know I post on this subject all the time. It's probably because it's on my mind all the time. I worry. I worry a lot. I imagine the worst that could possibly happen and let that imagination control my life.

I recently came across a great blog post that really knocked me upside the head. Click here for the whole post. Here's the part that really got me: 

"I don’t know if it’s a me thing, a woman thing, or a people thing in general, but I have to fight a tendency to make every opportunity the be-all-to-end-all: if I don’t get this done, it’s all over. If I don’t succeed at this one thing, I am such a loser. If I can’t navigate this one relationship, I’m not worth anybody’s time. I put my worth, again, and again, in things that I can lose. And I jeopardize the blessings I do have by putting every ounce of my energy into what may or may not happen.

So, here’s what I’ve started to do: before I turn in a paper for school… or call a parents whose kids I’m tutoring… or send in an application… or *cough* go to a job interview, I ask myself, 'What’s the worse that could happen?' 

But my identity isn’t wrapped up in any of those things. Or at least, is shouldn’t be. My identity is wrapped up in the fact that 'nothing can separate me from the love of God.' {Romans 8:38-39} It’s wrapped up in the thing I cannot lose."

This post came at a crucial time for me. I've been worrying my self sick (yes, literally sick) over a situation. I worry that I failed in so many aspects in this particular situation and my punishment is going to be swift and painful. The thing is, God is working this situation out above what I ever expected. And I'm throwing it all right back in his face with my worry. It's like I want to be miserable.

Sometimes I feel like it's my job to over-analyze every little mistake I make. I worry that if I don't think through every possible scenario, I will get blindsided. I feel like I'm dropping the ball if I don't worry. I feel like I'm not taking my imperfections seriously if I don't dwell upon them.

I need to remember Romans 8:38-39: "nothing can separate me from the love of God." I need to remember Luke 12:25-27: "²⁵And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁶ If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? ²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin..." 

It's so easy, though, to automatically say God's love isn't strong enough to wipe away consequences. It's so easy to think God wants me to suffer for my mistakes.

His sending his son to the cross, however, offers a completely different message. He sacrificed his one and only son to pay the penalty for my mistakes. Clearly he offers unconditional love despite my worthless state. I need to accept that as enough.

So, I just need to keep preaching this to myself. I must get it through my thick skull. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles to push past the sin of worry. Hopefully these truths from God's word help you to overcome these struggles. I think it's something I will battle my whole life, but with God's help I can stay strong and avoid the mental institution. 

Photo from Microsoft Office Collection

What Should We Call the "Easter" Holiday?

Today is Easter. A lot of people have a problem with calling it Easter. I don't. Sure, it did originate from a pagan holiday worshiping a goddess of spring, according to my favorite website Online Etymology Dictionary. Here's what the entry for Easter said:

Easter

O.E. Easterdæg, from Eastre (Northumbrian Eostre), from P.Gmc. *Austron, a goddess of fertility and spring, probably originally of sunrise whose feast was celebrated at the spring equinox, from *austra-, from PIE *aus- "to shine" (especially of the dawn). Bede says Anglo-Saxon Christians adopted her name and many of the celebratory practices for their Mass of Christ's resurrection. Ultimately related to east. Almost all neighboring languages use a variant of Latin Pasche to name this holiday. Easter egg attested by 1825, earlier pace egg (1610s). Easter bunny attested by 1909.

 But, I firmly believe the meaning of the word "Easter" has come to be synonymous with "Resurrection Day." Now I could be wrong, but I think one of the reasons the early Christians kept the name "Easter" was they wanted to create an alternative holiday for the pagans who were converting to Christianity. Keeping the name "Easter" maybe made the transition a little smoother. I dunno.

What I do know is correcting every individual who say's "Happy Easter" is awkward and makes you look like a bit of a weirdo. Non-Christians often think Christians are weirdos already. Why give them one more reason to think that? The Bible does say we are to be a peculiar people, but it also says that we shouldn't spend a great deal of time squabbling over meaningless jargon.

So instead of correcting those who greet you with "Happy Easter," smile and say "Happy Easter" right back. Focus on fostering healthy relationships, not on creating enemies over an innocent phrase. As always, keep the spread of the Gospel your main focus.

Happy Easter, everyone! He is risen!

**If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this link to find out more. If you are still confused, please send me an e-mail at melissajrhine(at)gmail(dot)com.

What's the big deal about Good Friday?

As a Baptist, Good Friday is something we never really celebrate too much. Sure we have the occasional Good Friday service, and most of us think about the significance of the day. But, overall we tend to shy away from celebrating it too much. We have liturgical phobia. The Baptist church was born out of other denominations which were much more liturgical in how they did things. We tend to reject liturgy because it often leads to dependence on works over grace as a means for salvation.

When I was in Bible college, we were in a very Catholic town. In fact, our campus was purchased from Notre Dame. It used to be some form of a military school or something. We didn't have Good Friday off from classes. We never had any required Good Friday services to attend. All the college did was tell us not to participate in any outdoor activities that day because it would offend the locals.

A lot of Baptists go as far as downplaying the day. They come up with all of these excuses about how it's not mentioned in the Bible, it should actually be on Thursday, etc. This frustrates me. The day Christ paid the punishment for my sins is a day I should hold in reverence. I really couldn't care less what day of the week it was supposed to be. Jesus wasn't born on December 25th either. So what? Without his death on the cross, I would have to pay my own punishment for my sin with eternity in hell.

Our church has a service tonight. I'm not going because my family is here, and we feel the need to spend time with one another at home. However, I'm taking this day very seriously and will be thinking about my Savior's sacrifice throughout the whole day.

If you don't really understand the whole significance of the day, check out Matthew 27. Or, check out this great website: www.needhim.org

If you're still confused, please contact me at melissajrhine(at)gmail(dot)com. I'd love to share my faith with you!

Spring Break.....ahhhhhhh

I'm so relaxed right now. I'm on spring break! Since January 4, I have had two days off of work not counting weekends. I'm sure many people have had even fewer days off of work than that. But, I had 23 middle-schoolers to deal with who also had only 2 days off since January 4. I was fast-approaching  extreme burn-out. I was waking up nauseated every morning  (no, I'm not pregnant) dreading the day to come.

Today I plan to get my house back into some semblance of order before my family arrives. When I'm stressed/depressed my house falls into shambles. I'm currently sitting on clean clothes I folded on Sunday and never put away. I hate it when that happens.

Even though I had a rough few weeks, God really blessed me yesterday. He sent the principal to take over my dreaded lunch duty and caused a family to cancel their parent/teacher conference with me (which was the main reason I was miserable every morning). Lamentations 3:22-26 (ESV) pretty well sums it up:  

²² The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
   “therefore I will hope in him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

My Jesus, I Love Thee...

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign;
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree;
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

-William R. Featherston

This song was playing through my head over and over and over again as I watched The Passion of the Christ in church tonight. I wasn't sure I wanted to go to church tonight when I heard they would be showing The Passion. I watched it my senior year in high school right after it came out on DVD. I watched it alone after my family went to bed. I have never sobbed such wretched sobs as I did that night. Watching my Savior be treated like scum of the earth ripped my heart out.

I was worried that I would start sobbing uncontrollably in church. I tried to see if it was on Netflix Instant Play so I could watch it in the privacy of my own home. It wasn't. So, I headed over to church hoping I wouldn't make a big scene. Thankfully, God helped me to be calm. 

As I was watching it, my sin struck me. Jesus endured excruciating agony and unbelievable shame because of my selfish sin. He was perfect, blameless, yet he took on my guilt and my shame. All I could think was "My Jesus, I love thee..." over and over again. 

The scenes with the devil and the devil baby really disturb me. I don't really like Mel Gibson's portrayal of him (especially since a girl with shaved eyebrows played the part), but it did cause me to want to claw out the devil's eyes every time he showed up.

Jesus had to endure a great deal of unfairness. Right now, I'm dealing with a situation that seems unfair to me. Watching Christ suffer for me reminded me that he had to deal with far worse unfairness than I ever will. None of this life matters after Christ returns. I need to stay focused on him and on leading others to him rather than focused on my own petty problems.

I'm praying this movie helps to jump-start my spiritual revival. I've been lagging behind lately. I need to keep the power of the cross at the forefront of my heart and mind.

***Sidenote: I've lost a total of 4.4 pounds!

Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Did you ever read Alexander and Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day ? That is sort of how my day went. Or at least it felt that way. I won't go into details because they aren't really important, but it was a crummy day.

At the end of the day, I dragged my feet everywhere I went. When I got home I ate a large quantity of jellybeans. Then my husband took me to my favorite Mexican restaurant to cheer me up. I only finished 1/3 of my meal. That says something right there (either that or I'm catching a bug). I actually almost threw up in the restaurant. Ben says it's because of Weight Watchers. My body wouldn't let me "pound through the plate." His terms, not mine.

All I know is, I'm weary. This quote encapsulates my day quite well. I need to remember it.

Source: traceysthoughts.tumblr.com via Melissa on Pinterest

A Facebook friend of mine, who is also a teacher, posted this reminder the other day from Scripture:
                     
Colossians 3:1-3 (ESV)

Put On the New Self
 3 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Hmmm...maybe my petty worries don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I know I'm learning some valuable life lessons in dealing with difficult people; that's for sure!

So, should I keep wallowing in the misery of my day? No. Will I? We'll see.

Worries

One of my lifelong struggles has been with worry. I worry about EVERYTHING. I'm not really exaggerating. Just ask my poor husband. I can't even watch the TV show 24 because it makes me overanalyze situations in my life to the point where I start to panic that something drastic is going to happen.

I came by this habit honestly. My mom is the same way. Her dad is the same way. It's this vicious chain of worry. I think this all stems from worrying that we aren't doing our part. I have this drive to be absolutely certain that I have done everything in my power to accomplish everything I'm supposed to accomplish. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not doing my part. I don't want anyone to be able to accuse me of dropping the ball. Here's a great diagram from Pinterest that captures the fruitlessness of worry:

Source: stumbleupon.com via Melissa on Pinterest

The Bible has all sorts of verses about not worrying. I know those verses. I believe those verses. I know my God will care for me and will help me through whatever comes my way. I just struggle with putting those verses into practice. I feel like God wants me to do my part and he will help me when I get stuck, which should almost never happen if I do my part. That is completely warped thinking. He commands us to cast ALL our cares on him in 1 Peter 5:6-7. Or what about Proverbs 3:5, 6 which tells us to not lean on our own understanding but acknowledge him instead. Or what about Luke 12:25 which talks about how we can't even add a single hour to our lives by worrying. There are many, many more verses that cover this topic.

I guess what I need to do is continually remind myself of these verses. I need to make conscious efforts to cast all of my cares on Him because he DOES care for me. I also need to be patient and let God do the work in my heart. Only he can change my sinful ways. I can't change them myself as much as I want to. I can work on them, sure. But I can't completely eradicate them from my life without God's help.

Source: Uploaded by user via Melissa on Pinterest

Today I don't have to work thanks to Presidents' Day. I was puttering around the house enjoying my morning. I slowly settled down into my devotions because I wanted to enjoy every moment of not being rushed. I was really into reading John 11 when BOOM. I remembered that I was supposed to provide a snack sometime soon for my husband to take with him to seminary. I had no idea when it was supposed to be other than it was a Monday. I started to panic because I didn't want anyone to think that Ben had a forgetful loser for a wife. Then I started to panic even more because I knew I would have to check my work e-mail to see if it was today. I long ago made a rule for myself to not check work e-mail at home because it works me up into a tizzy. Sometimes, like today, it can't be avoided. I'm always worried that I will have to deal with upset parents who e-mail me with problems. That little innocent thought spiraled me down a path of anxiety all for nothing. It turns out I have until March 19th before I have to bring a snack. I let my worries about how I appear to others rob me of the joy I receive from taking my time to study God's word. I guess I'm using this blog post to preach to myself about my sin of worry. I think it's working...for now.