I'm Scared of Writing

Soooo...that whole "I'm back" thing...

I'm scared of writing. It's true. I've taken countless writing classes. I majored in English education. I've written a lot over my short life. But I'm still scared of putting my words on paper (or computer). It's like I'm afraid that I will look foolish to someone or that I will break one of the ever-changing grammar rules.

I absolutely love writing and really enjoy reading my own work (most of the time). I just hate the feeling before I actually let the words flow. It's like the feeling I get before I do a somersault or before I wax my eyebrows or before I jump off a diving board or before I let my husband crack my back or before I walk into a party or before I try on a new pair of jeans. It's torture before I start...but I'm always glad I went through with it in the end.

I think about writing all the time. I tell my students to write all the time. I tell them when they're stuck to "just write." Why oh why don't I take my own advice?

So, I'm really going to work on this whole "fear of writing" thing and get back into blogging. I started this blog so I could write publicly. Probably should get back on that.

So, if you haven't totally abandoned my blog...thanks for hanging on. I'll try to be better. No promises though. Because I might break that promise when fear strikes.

Fail

It's 11:43pm. I have to get up early to start teacher's in-service tomorrow. I wasn't supposed to take a nap today, but I did. I was just going to close my eyes for a minute. I even left my glasses on and laid my book on my stomach so I wouldn't sleep too long. Two hours later I woke up frustrated. I knew it would mean not being able to sleep later. I was right.

So, I just got back up because I can't sleep. My husband is peacefully sleeping. Grrr...it's always worse when he can sleep and I can't.

I have this record playing over and over again in my head. It's replaying all of my failures of the summer. Friends I didn't call. Weddings I didn't RSVP to. Birthdays I forgot. Couples we didn't have over. Online workshops I didn't finish. The bathroom that somehow never gets cleaned. Organizational projects I didn't complete. Spiritual goals I didn't reach. Fail. Fail. Fail.

These failures keep repeating themselves over and over and over in my head. When will I grow up? When will I accomplish what I intend to accomplish? When will I stop forgetting responsibilities? Could I ever live a life with minimal responsibilities? Do I need to move away from others and work only for myself in order to get my life straight? Am I incapable of functioning in normal human society?

I want to think that if I had no friends, no job, no church obligations, no family I could have my life planned out perfectly. I would answer to no one but me. I wouldn't let anyone down. I wouldn't ruin any relationships because, well, I wouldn't have any relationships. The only person I could disappoint would be me (and maybe my husband because I desperately need him by my side).

Now, I know that life free from responsibility is impossible to attain. No matter where I go, there will be relationships to work out. No matter where I go, I will have some obligation of some form. If I don't, I will be a miserable, cantankerous old wretch.

God wants me to interact with other Christians. There are all sorts of verses about interacting with friends and family. As much as I fail my friends and family, I need them desperately. I love all of my friends and family members. I couldn't really function without them. I need friends to drink coffee with. I need my mom to sing "You Poor Unfortunate Soul" in her very best Ursula impression every time I get too dramatic. I need my church family to keep caring about me. I need my brothers to pick on me. I need my dad to ask me about my weight. I need my sisters-in-law to talk literature with. I need to serve others so I stop focusing on me.

So, it's almost midnight. I'm under 8 hours of sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing a public blog post when I'm unable to sleep. What can I take away from this wandering rambling? I need others. I can't escape the relationships God has placed in my life just because I've done a shoddy job keeping up my end of the relationship. I never really wanted to be completely free of relationships anyways. I love my friends and family too much. I need to start praying and asking God to help me improve in my weak areas. I need to apologize to friends and family for slacking in being a good friend and relative. I need to work to cultivate the relationships in my lives. I need to shift focus from myself and onto those around me.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I can't fix anything right now. I can start tomorrow by sending off wedding gifts to the weddings I didn't make it to. Maybe later this week I'll call my best friend, Elizabeth. I also need to get a birthday card to my sister-in-law, Karen. Oh, and that bathroom needs to be cleaned too. I'll tackle each failure one at a time.  Right now, I've gotten it all off my chest. It's time to shut off the brain and head to bed. I can conquer my failures tomorrow. Sorry for the vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my mixed up thoughts. Hopefully it will encourage others who struggle with the same issues. Good night.

Where I've been...

I had such great intentions to blog daily this summer. Turns out I don't really have anything witty to say daily. Hmmm...maybe I should re-think the whole "writing" thing...maybe not. I'm only 25 after all. How much do I really have to say that is worthwhile?

I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready. I should take a picture of it, but it's not quite done yet and would make for a boring classroom. I'm a firm believer in not over-stuffing my classroom because it distracts both me and my students from learning. So, it looks a little bare.

I had a scare last week that I was going to have to switch classrooms AGAIN! Ugh. This was going to be my first year to be in the same classroom for more than one year. It takes me an average of about 2 years to get my space really organized, so I was really bummed that I was going to have to uproot my things yet again at the last possible minute resulting in a haphazard organization scheme. Thankfully the teacher I was going to switch with didn't want to switch rooms either. So, we convinced our principal it was in everyone's best interests to stay in the same spot. Phew. That was a close one!

I'm really ready for a routine. The lazy perfectionist needs structure or she ends up wearing pajamas until noon. Ahem...like today for instance. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work from home unlike other lucky people in this world. I just don't have the discipline!

School starts the day after Labor Day. I really can't wait. I want it to start on Monday, but alas, we have  meetings all next week. Oh well, at least I get to meet my students on Tuesday at Orientation Night.

Well, I best be heading to the shower so I can eat lunch and head on over to scrub the walls in my classroom with magic erasers to remove the signs of last year's 6th graders. What are the chances that my principal brings by a new family to meet me when I'm wearing athletic shorts and a t-shirt whilst scrubbing my walls? Pretty high because that's how my luck works. Better re-think that outfit choice.

The Muppet Theory

I recently came across this blog post which referenced this article. The original article proposed that all humans fall under two categories: Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets. If you never, watched the Muppets or Sesame Street as a child (or as an adult for that matter), this will make little to no sense to you.

Chaos Muppets include Animal, Miss Piggy, Ernie, Cookie Monster, Gonzo, and Grover. Order Muppets include Kermit, Bert, and Scooter. Chaos Muppets leave all sorts of chaos in their wake and are constantly messing up something or causing some sort of trouble or having an emotional meltdown. Order Muppets love schedules and perfection and stability and cleanliness. The author of this article basically lumps all of humankind into these two broad categories.

Now a lot of the article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it does bring up some interesting ideas. The author touches a little on the idea that Order Muppets tend to attract Chaos Muppets. The blog where I originally found the link to the article develops this idea further. I tend to agree with this statement.

My husband and I fit this general mold...to a point. I think I would fall under the category of Order Muppet and my husband would probably fall under the category of Chaos Muppet. Just look at the insides of our cars, and you can see how different we are. My husband's car is a death trap, while mine stays relatively clean.

However, I can be really messy when I get lazy. My messiness infuriates me. I get depressed and anxious whenever my house/personal space gets untidy. Somehow, I do a really good job of suppressing my anger over my messiness because I let it stay like that for far too long. My idea of total relaxation involves cleaning my entire house and then stretching out on my couch with some tea and a book while wrapped in my Snuggie. My husband's idea of relaxation is pushing aside his books and papers so he can sit down to play video games with no clue as to his surroundings.

Ben balances me out. I prevent him from descending into utter ruin. I think our differences allow us to live harmoniously. God put us together to help us build one another up. I say all the time that it's a good thing I'm not single, or I would be a total wreck of a human. No one would want to be near me. I need my Ben (as given to me by God) to help me work through my issues to keep me from becoming a total control freak.

The Elusive Pursuit of Creativity

I can be sort of creative...sometimes. Can I really call myself creative if I'm only creative sometimes? I love reading creative blogs and spending time with creative people. I love the rush when I finish a creative project. I'm just not consistently creative.

I think my fear of what others think interferes with my ability to be fully creative. I'm always afraid people are going to think that I'm a copycat or that I don't have the "right" to be creative. It's all so stupid. It's so much easier to coast under the radar so no one sees my attempts at creativity. Blogging is so hard for me not because I have nothing to say. I have plenty to say. I just don't want anyone to think that I'm trying to be something that I'm not. I'm almost 25 years old. I shouldn't be worrying about that sort of nonsense anymore.

Hopefully this blog will help me break out of the tiny little world in which I've imprisoned myself. I have to keep pushing my self-imposed boundaries. Maybe I should follow this list:

Source: mobypicture.com via Josh on Pinterest

Here goes!

Changing Perspectives

I currently have a lot of faulty perspectives in my life. I tend to imagine situations that don't/won't exist. I tend to think my house is too messy to ever get cleaned. I tend to think I need to watch as much TV as I can possibly cram into the few hours of free time I have in the evening. I tend to think leaving a restaurant without being stuffed is a waste of money. I tend to think everyone is laughing at how ridiculous I am/look.

All of these things detract from true happiness. Whenever God gives me the strength to rise above these perspectives, I experience glimpses of what life could really be like. So why don't I banish these perspectives from my life? Why do I allow them to dictate my happiness?

I've really been doing some soul-searching lately. I KNOW I would be happier knitting the evening away than frittering the evening away on Facebook. I KNOW I would be happier spending a significant amount of time reading my Bible than reading annoying articles by stay-at-home moms about how hard their lives are. I KNOW I would be happier living in a clean, organized home than living in a pigsty. I KNOW God wants me to rise above my laziness and faulty perspectives. I just need to get up and get moving. Like I said yesterday, it's the getting up and moving that stinks.

So, I'm going to finish this post. I'm going to start a load of laundry. I'm going to wash dishes while listening to Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. I'm going to grade papers while watching reality TV on Netflix. I'm going to knit for a little bit before bed (if there's any time left over). I'm going to enjoy my evening. I'm not going to invent imaginary impossible situations. I'm going to think of this list whenever I'm tempted to waste time on Facebook.

Source: Uploaded by user via Melissa on Pinterest

I'm going to live life the way it's meant to be lived.

Week 1 Weight Watcher's Progress

Well, this morning was my weigh-in morning. I officially lost 1.6 pounds this week. I know that number would make someone on the Biggest Loser burst into tears or even get booted off because it is so small. But, the healthiest way to lose weight is a little at a time. So I'm pretty happy with it. I have gained weight the first week in the past, so I'll take this number. I did really well. I need to cut back on my breakfast, and some of my snacks need to be lower point snacks. Yesterday I had 58 points saved up for a party. I definitely didn't use all of them. It was nice not having to worry about it though (especially since one of my friends brought some amazing choco chip cookie dough cupcakes).

This morning I checked back to the last time I weighed myself for Weight Watchers. I have gained 25.8 pounds since then. How on earth did I let myself do that? It totally puts in perspective how far I let myself go. It blows my mind how neglecting your eating habits and weight causes you to spiral out of control.

One big area I really need to work on is how I view food. Right now I'm using my stubbornness to ignore my obsession with food in order to lose weight. In the past, I would get content with my weight loss and then tell myself that I DESERVED to eat whatever I wanted because I had worked so hard for so long.

I need to re-train my brain to understand that I can never stop thinking about it. I have to work at it all the time. I don't need to obsess over my weight because we all know where that leads. I do, however, need to be careful not to avoid thinking about my weight. Some people don't have to think about their weight, and they stay skinny. Not me. If I don't think about it, I balloon out of control. I have several months, maybe even a whole year to still lose weight. I need to be changing my mindset in that time.

So here's my game-plan for the duration of my weight-loss program:
          1. Track EVERY SINGLE DAY.
          2. Weigh in weekly.
          3. Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week (I have to be realistic).
          4. Blog weekly about my journey.
          5. Read (and later subscribe to) Weight-Watcher's magazine.
          6. Watch weight-loss shows on TV for inspiration and motivation.
          7. Work on attitude towards food.
          8. Reward my progress with new clothes, not fattening food!

If you're reading along, please send encouraging comments my way! I love encouraging comments. Or, share your weight-loss story with me as well. Maybe we could even work in a guest post.

Real quick before I go, here's a shot of my progress in my chore chart. I'm so proud of myself. ; )

Dream Job

I just read a post on another blog about how the author feels as if she missed her dream job. She feels stuck. She feels that life just swept by her. She wants to write, but feels there are too many hindrances in the way.

I'm fairly young. I'll be 25 in June. I have a lot of life ahead of me. There is still so much for me to experience and accomplish. I'm worried though that life is going to sweep right by me. I'm worried that I'm going to be too busy wallowing in self-pity over my life circumstances (which are not pitiful at all) that I miss my life's calling. I'm worried that I'm going to be too busy playing it safe that I don't take risks.

I've mentioned before here that I have planned my life "perfectly" thus far. I graduated on time, got married on time, started my career on time, didn't start a family too soon, etc.... Now, I know that I didn't really cause my life to work out this way. I know plenty of other people whose lives turned out completely different. God blessed me with my life path and helped me make wise choices. I don't really know why God has allowed me to follow my "special little path" so well up until this point. The problem is, I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of a certain part of my special little path: my career.

When I was in high school, I labored over my career decision. I was determined to stick with whatever path I chose. I wasn't entirely sold on being a teacher. I felt like I was selling myself short. I felt like I was capable of so much more. (This is not to say being a teacher is an easy, worthless job. Believe me, I know better now!) I started leaning towards teaching because I really liked the field of education and always enjoyed school. In college, I soaked up my education classes and could not wait to get into the classroom. I had a partially awesome student-teaching experience (one of my coop teachers was...well... nevermind). I enjoyed teaching for the most part my first two years. This year I've really enjoyed parts of teaching, and I've really loathed parts of teaching. Dealing with unreasonable parents really squelches your love of teaching.***

So, I started thinking back to my real passion in life: writing. The thing about writing is, it's risky. It doesn't carry a guaranteed paycheck. If your work gets rejected, it's like you are being rejected. It requires great discipline (and you already know what a lazy perfectionist I am). My husband is all for it. He is constantly encouraging me to write. My dad has been my biggest champion in my writing. He always edited my papers in high school and told me I was a good writer. So, I started this blog with hopes of really pursuing my future in writing. I figure that I need to write with some sort of audience if I'm ever going to get paid to do it in the future.

I hope I don't chicken out. I really want to write. I'm hoping this blog gives me the courage and practice I need in order to succeed in writing. I know it sounds cliche, and that everyone hopes their blog turns into a book. I'm not necessarily hoping for that. I just want to write, write, write.

***Note: I'm not planning on quitting my job anytime soon. A good long summer vacation will surely cure what ails me. Teaching really is a wonderful career. : )

Day Three Of Weight Watchers...plus an Ode to Diet Coke

Well, in case you missed my incredibly boring post title, today is day three of Weight Watchers. I've been doing pretty well for getting the hang of it. The thing I hate about watching what I eat is the fact that I have to watch what I eat. I wish I could eat without thinking.

The great thing about Weight Watchers, though, is that I can eat normal food. I just have to be careful how much I eat. Tracking what I eat really helps me stay accountable and brings into focus what I put into my body.

I've also been exercising daily. I bought a line dancing exercise video at Wal-Mart over the weekend. I had a ton of fun getting the steps down. Then, Ben surprised me with a new Wii game called Country Dance 2. It's similar to Just Dance only with country songs. I don't really like the music on Just Dance because it annoys me, but I LOVE country. I can't wait to try it tonight when Ben gets home from work!

I know Diet Coke isn't the healthiest drink in the world and probably eats holes through your brain. The thing is, it's my one guilty pleasure while dieting. I feel like Diet Coke is the one constant during a diet. Without it, I think I would quit right away. So thank you, Diet Coke, for saving me from misery and despair.

Source: ny-image2.etsy.com via Melissa on Pinterest

I really am a tree-hugger at heart. ; )

Starting Weight Watchers...again

Today I started Weight Watchers for the fourth time. The first time I was in high school and did it unofficially using my dad's tools. The second time was while I was student teaching and preparing to get married. The school I was teaching at had an at-work program that I joined. I was really successful and had a lot of fun going to the meetings. I also tanned during that time, so I was looking pretty good by the time my wedding rolled around. They even had to take my wedding dress in at my final fitting! That doesn't happen too often. When my brother-in-law, Tim, saw me at our wedding rehearsal, the first thing out of his mouth was "Man, Melissa, you really lost weight!" It was the best compliment I received on my weight loss. After we got married, I started packing on the pounds because we were poor and ate a lot of rice and cheddar cheese.

The third time I started was last school year in about February. I was miserably overweight. I could have sworn I felt my double chin grow every time I bent my head down to read a book. My clothes were too tight and nothing my mom bought me for Christmas actually fit. So, I joined Weight Watchers online. I was quickly successful. My parents joined me and did well too. Everyone raved over how much weight I lost, and I felt good. But I felt too good.

I soon fell off the wagon over the summer and started packing on the pounds again. I just loved food too much to want to limit myself in what I ate. The past several months I really ballooned. I've been eating more fast food because Ben is making more money these days, and I'm exhausted after working 9 to 10 hour days with students needing my attention for all 9 or 10 hours.

I've had enough. I'm at my absolute heaviest, and it's pretty heavy. I'm going to start eating right again. This time I'm adding in exercise both at home and the gym, which is something I've previously neglected because I hate it! I'm still a part of Weight Watchers Online. I've also created a board on Pinterest of motivational quotes, weight loss ideas, and Weight Watchers recipes. I've got to make a change. I'm hoping to start having children within the next few years and want to get my weight under control before I become pregnant and gain a ton of weight.

I'm hoping by blogging about this occasionally that this will help motivate me. Here goes!

Source: someecards.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Fighting Back the Lazy

I've been really frustrated with myself lately. I've been incredibly lazy. More so than usual. Even though he never says anything, I think my husband is starting to get a little annoyed with me. I decided I had to treat myself like an unruly child and create a chore chart complete with stickers. It includes categories like waking up on time, doing my daily and weekly chores, doing my devotions (which isn't a chore, but needs to become a habit), tracking my Weight Watchers points, exercising, writing, hobbying (which isn't a word), etc. I'm hoping by disciplining myself to be more productive I will be less miserable and more Christlike. How will I ever be a good mother if I don't start acting like a grown-up?

Some of my rewards for myself are TV time, Internet time, guilt-free shopping, magazine subscription, Kindle books, etc. I really hope this helps. Here goes!

Facebook Perceptions

A friend of mine posted a link to this blog on Facebook. This article is one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. Check it out: Parenthood: Moving Beyond Facebook Envy to Reality

I'm not a parent yet, but I frequently find myself becoming jealous of the lives of others based on their spiffy blogs or their crafty photography skills. Hopefully this article helps to encourage your heart!

♫The Best Day Ever♫

Yesterday was one of the best days of my adult life. What made it so spectacular? My husband and I were able to spend an entire day together. Start to finish. No one else to share each other with. No obligations. No time constraints. No responsibilities. It was amazing! This song from Spongebob Squarepants was playing through my head all day long (Yes, I know I'm too old for Spongebob. I don't care):



We got up and went to breakfast at a great little diner called John's Plain and Fancy Diner. I had a delicious Mexican omelette and my husband had a fancy Greek omelette. We also split a plate of  delicious scrapple. If you don't know what Scrapple is, it's probably best if you didn't know.

Source: steamykitchen.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought a lamp for our nightstand, screw anchors to rehang the towel rack and toilet paper holder in the bathroom, a new toilet seat, and a roast so my husband can prove to me that pot roast isn't all that disgusting. Buying those seemingly boring items actually was thrilling. We were able to accomplish little projects that we had been talking about for a looooong time. The best part was we were together.

Then, we headed over to JCPenney to buy a shower curtain rod and some curtains. We live in a tiny studio apartment, so I wanted to get a tension rod to hang up a curtain in the doorway to our alcove bedroom. I've been getting ready in the dark every morning while my husband still sleeps. With this new curtain set-up, I can turn the lights on without bothering him so much. Maybe I'll break my habit of going back to sleep after I take my shower. : )

Yeah, my bed isn't made, my pajamas are on the floor, and I'm a terrible photographer. That's what this blog is all about!

It was a great day! I'm so thankful God blesses me with days like this. It helps me keep my sanity and remember that he does want what is best for me. Throughout the day, I was a little worried that he was going to somehow "ruin" the day by making something "bad" happen merely because I was enjoying myself so much. I constantly have to remind myself that God wants what is best for me. He is not out to ruin my fun. Yesterday was a great reminder of that.

What is a lazy perfectionist?

When I was in high school, I started noticing signs of perfectionism creep into my life. Whenever I would have a project due in any of my classes, I would obsess over it until the wee hours of the morning until it was almost perfect. The problem was, I never quite reached perfection because I would be too tired or too lazy and would just say "good enough."

This lazy perfectionism is today evidenced in my approach to housecleaning. Currently, my home is a disaster. I live in a teeny-tiny 500 square foot studio apartment that looks like something off of the A&E TV show Hoarders by Saturday morning of each week. I want my house to look perfect daily. I want to relax on my couch each evening with a cup of tea in one hand and my Kindle in the other. The only problem is, I'm too lazy to keep my house perfect so I end up sitting in uncomfortable positions on my couch browsing Pinterest, Facebook, and random blogs with the intention of being productive. I constantly feel frustrated with myself and get even more frustrated with myself when I see the "perfection" of others on their blogs and Facebook profiles.

Often when I read these blogs, the bloggers will bemoan their blog envy and will talk about how imperfect their lives are. The only problem is, every picture on their blog is perfectly crafted. Every post is perfectly and poetically crafted. When they post pictures of perfection, they apologize for their imperfection even though the rest of the world would never notice it if they hadn't pointed it out.

So I got to thinking. I really want to write a blog from a standpoint that is not quite so cliche. This is the fourth time I've tried blogging. I'm hoping it sticks this time. I don't have any great talents or abilities to share with the rest of the world. I do have my struggle with lazy perfectionism. I'm willing to bet there are a lot of others out there with the same struggles. So join me on my journey as I try to cope with my imperfection.