Fail

It's 11:43pm. I have to get up early to start teacher's in-service tomorrow. I wasn't supposed to take a nap today, but I did. I was just going to close my eyes for a minute. I even left my glasses on and laid my book on my stomach so I wouldn't sleep too long. Two hours later I woke up frustrated. I knew it would mean not being able to sleep later. I was right.

So, I just got back up because I can't sleep. My husband is peacefully sleeping. Grrr...it's always worse when he can sleep and I can't.

I have this record playing over and over again in my head. It's replaying all of my failures of the summer. Friends I didn't call. Weddings I didn't RSVP to. Birthdays I forgot. Couples we didn't have over. Online workshops I didn't finish. The bathroom that somehow never gets cleaned. Organizational projects I didn't complete. Spiritual goals I didn't reach. Fail. Fail. Fail.

These failures keep repeating themselves over and over and over in my head. When will I grow up? When will I accomplish what I intend to accomplish? When will I stop forgetting responsibilities? Could I ever live a life with minimal responsibilities? Do I need to move away from others and work only for myself in order to get my life straight? Am I incapable of functioning in normal human society?

I want to think that if I had no friends, no job, no church obligations, no family I could have my life planned out perfectly. I would answer to no one but me. I wouldn't let anyone down. I wouldn't ruin any relationships because, well, I wouldn't have any relationships. The only person I could disappoint would be me (and maybe my husband because I desperately need him by my side).

Now, I know that life free from responsibility is impossible to attain. No matter where I go, there will be relationships to work out. No matter where I go, I will have some obligation of some form. If I don't, I will be a miserable, cantankerous old wretch.

God wants me to interact with other Christians. There are all sorts of verses about interacting with friends and family. As much as I fail my friends and family, I need them desperately. I love all of my friends and family members. I couldn't really function without them. I need friends to drink coffee with. I need my mom to sing "You Poor Unfortunate Soul" in her very best Ursula impression every time I get too dramatic. I need my church family to keep caring about me. I need my brothers to pick on me. I need my dad to ask me about my weight. I need my sisters-in-law to talk literature with. I need to serve others so I stop focusing on me.

So, it's almost midnight. I'm under 8 hours of sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing a public blog post when I'm unable to sleep. What can I take away from this wandering rambling? I need others. I can't escape the relationships God has placed in my life just because I've done a shoddy job keeping up my end of the relationship. I never really wanted to be completely free of relationships anyways. I love my friends and family too much. I need to start praying and asking God to help me improve in my weak areas. I need to apologize to friends and family for slacking in being a good friend and relative. I need to work to cultivate the relationships in my lives. I need to shift focus from myself and onto those around me.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I can't fix anything right now. I can start tomorrow by sending off wedding gifts to the weddings I didn't make it to. Maybe later this week I'll call my best friend, Elizabeth. I also need to get a birthday card to my sister-in-law, Karen. Oh, and that bathroom needs to be cleaned too. I'll tackle each failure one at a time.  Right now, I've gotten it all off my chest. It's time to shut off the brain and head to bed. I can conquer my failures tomorrow. Sorry for the vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my mixed up thoughts. Hopefully it will encourage others who struggle with the same issues. Good night.

Maintaining Community

"Community" is currently a buzzword in Christianity. We are constantly encouraged to fellowship with other believers and to build relationships and to share our struggles and to bear one another's burdens and to open our homes and to go out to eat with friends and to send cards and to make phones calls and the list goes on and on.

Just thinking about it makes me squeamish. I'm really not a people person. This quote is so me:

Source: funri.com via Melissa on Pinterest

It's not so much that I'm lazy, I just don't like others dictating my schedule. (That sounds way more selfish typed out than it did in my head.) When I was a little girl, I would beg my mom to send away the neighbors who were asking to play with me. I didn't want to have to play the way someone else wanted to play. (Again, that sounds so much more selfish typed out than in my head.)

Just yesterday I was reading an interview with Jean Craighead George, author of My Side of the Mountain, as I was preparing a lesson for my students. The interviewer of course asked George what tips she had for aspiring writers. My heart soared when I read: "You have to like to be alone. Writing can be lonely, although you do populate your head with all these characters." I want to be a writer one day. I love being alone. Maybe it's okay that I prefer being alone in my apartment than spending time with non-relatives. Maybe my hermit-like tendencies will further my writing career. Maybe I can justify not building relationships.

Right now I can count most of my authentic, living, breathing relationships (outside family) on one hand. It's not that I live in the tundra of Siberia. It's not that I get mad at people easily. It's not that I'm extremely unlikable.

I think what it boils down to is fear. I'm afraid of getting close. I'm afraid of baring my soul to another individual. I'm afraid of getting close to someone only to move far away from them. I'm afraid I will annoy any potential friends. I'm afraid my friends are ashamed of how I dress. I'm afraid others will think I'm presumptuous. I'm afraid to barge into pre-formed friendships. I'm afraid to impose. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing. I'm afraid I'll interrupt them while they're busy. I'm afraid of being rejected.

But God doesn't want me to be all alone. He calls us to build relationships with others. We are to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. There are all sorts of verses about friendship in the Bible. Jesus is the perfect example of the perfect friend.

Here's what I'm going to do about it: I'm going to call up my friends (and even family) within the next two weeks who I've been neglecting while hiding myself away. I have at least two friends that need phone calls. I have one friend who just had a baby and might need an outing with a friend. I have two grandmas who need phone calls. I have countless family members who need Thank-You cards. I have a Starbucks gift card that needs to be used. I have a niece who needs some presents. I have a future sister-in-law who barely knows me. I have a cousin who needs a card in the mail. I have siblings in college who need care packages. I have dear friends who need to eat a meal at my house because they've had me over for hundreds.

I'm going to stop padding myself with my messy house and Netflix obsession and blog reading and ungraded papers and get out there and open myself to community. It's what Jesus would do.

Photo by Jeff Johansen Photography