Fail

It's 11:43pm. I have to get up early to start teacher's in-service tomorrow. I wasn't supposed to take a nap today, but I did. I was just going to close my eyes for a minute. I even left my glasses on and laid my book on my stomach so I wouldn't sleep too long. Two hours later I woke up frustrated. I knew it would mean not being able to sleep later. I was right.

So, I just got back up because I can't sleep. My husband is peacefully sleeping. Grrr...it's always worse when he can sleep and I can't.

I have this record playing over and over again in my head. It's replaying all of my failures of the summer. Friends I didn't call. Weddings I didn't RSVP to. Birthdays I forgot. Couples we didn't have over. Online workshops I didn't finish. The bathroom that somehow never gets cleaned. Organizational projects I didn't complete. Spiritual goals I didn't reach. Fail. Fail. Fail.

These failures keep repeating themselves over and over and over in my head. When will I grow up? When will I accomplish what I intend to accomplish? When will I stop forgetting responsibilities? Could I ever live a life with minimal responsibilities? Do I need to move away from others and work only for myself in order to get my life straight? Am I incapable of functioning in normal human society?

I want to think that if I had no friends, no job, no church obligations, no family I could have my life planned out perfectly. I would answer to no one but me. I wouldn't let anyone down. I wouldn't ruin any relationships because, well, I wouldn't have any relationships. The only person I could disappoint would be me (and maybe my husband because I desperately need him by my side).

Now, I know that life free from responsibility is impossible to attain. No matter where I go, there will be relationships to work out. No matter where I go, I will have some obligation of some form. If I don't, I will be a miserable, cantankerous old wretch.

God wants me to interact with other Christians. There are all sorts of verses about interacting with friends and family. As much as I fail my friends and family, I need them desperately. I love all of my friends and family members. I couldn't really function without them. I need friends to drink coffee with. I need my mom to sing "You Poor Unfortunate Soul" in her very best Ursula impression every time I get too dramatic. I need my church family to keep caring about me. I need my brothers to pick on me. I need my dad to ask me about my weight. I need my sisters-in-law to talk literature with. I need to serve others so I stop focusing on me.

So, it's almost midnight. I'm under 8 hours of sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing a public blog post when I'm unable to sleep. What can I take away from this wandering rambling? I need others. I can't escape the relationships God has placed in my life just because I've done a shoddy job keeping up my end of the relationship. I never really wanted to be completely free of relationships anyways. I love my friends and family too much. I need to start praying and asking God to help me improve in my weak areas. I need to apologize to friends and family for slacking in being a good friend and relative. I need to work to cultivate the relationships in my lives. I need to shift focus from myself and onto those around me.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I can't fix anything right now. I can start tomorrow by sending off wedding gifts to the weddings I didn't make it to. Maybe later this week I'll call my best friend, Elizabeth. I also need to get a birthday card to my sister-in-law, Karen. Oh, and that bathroom needs to be cleaned too. I'll tackle each failure one at a time.  Right now, I've gotten it all off my chest. It's time to shut off the brain and head to bed. I can conquer my failures tomorrow. Sorry for the vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my mixed up thoughts. Hopefully it will encourage others who struggle with the same issues. Good night.

Where I've been...

I had such great intentions to blog daily this summer. Turns out I don't really have anything witty to say daily. Hmmm...maybe I should re-think the whole "writing" thing...maybe not. I'm only 25 after all. How much do I really have to say that is worthwhile?

I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready. I should take a picture of it, but it's not quite done yet and would make for a boring classroom. I'm a firm believer in not over-stuffing my classroom because it distracts both me and my students from learning. So, it looks a little bare.

I had a scare last week that I was going to have to switch classrooms AGAIN! Ugh. This was going to be my first year to be in the same classroom for more than one year. It takes me an average of about 2 years to get my space really organized, so I was really bummed that I was going to have to uproot my things yet again at the last possible minute resulting in a haphazard organization scheme. Thankfully the teacher I was going to switch with didn't want to switch rooms either. So, we convinced our principal it was in everyone's best interests to stay in the same spot. Phew. That was a close one!

I'm really ready for a routine. The lazy perfectionist needs structure or she ends up wearing pajamas until noon. Ahem...like today for instance. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work from home unlike other lucky people in this world. I just don't have the discipline!

School starts the day after Labor Day. I really can't wait. I want it to start on Monday, but alas, we have  meetings all next week. Oh well, at least I get to meet my students on Tuesday at Orientation Night.

Well, I best be heading to the shower so I can eat lunch and head on over to scrub the walls in my classroom with magic erasers to remove the signs of last year's 6th graders. What are the chances that my principal brings by a new family to meet me when I'm wearing athletic shorts and a t-shirt whilst scrubbing my walls? Pretty high because that's how my luck works. Better re-think that outfit choice.

Consider the Lilies

I know I post on this subject all the time. It's probably because it's on my mind all the time. I worry. I worry a lot. I imagine the worst that could possibly happen and let that imagination control my life.

I recently came across a great blog post that really knocked me upside the head. Click here for the whole post. Here's the part that really got me: 

"I don’t know if it’s a me thing, a woman thing, or a people thing in general, but I have to fight a tendency to make every opportunity the be-all-to-end-all: if I don’t get this done, it’s all over. If I don’t succeed at this one thing, I am such a loser. If I can’t navigate this one relationship, I’m not worth anybody’s time. I put my worth, again, and again, in things that I can lose. And I jeopardize the blessings I do have by putting every ounce of my energy into what may or may not happen.

So, here’s what I’ve started to do: before I turn in a paper for school… or call a parents whose kids I’m tutoring… or send in an application… or *cough* go to a job interview, I ask myself, 'What’s the worse that could happen?' 

But my identity isn’t wrapped up in any of those things. Or at least, is shouldn’t be. My identity is wrapped up in the fact that 'nothing can separate me from the love of God.' {Romans 8:38-39} It’s wrapped up in the thing I cannot lose."

This post came at a crucial time for me. I've been worrying my self sick (yes, literally sick) over a situation. I worry that I failed in so many aspects in this particular situation and my punishment is going to be swift and painful. The thing is, God is working this situation out above what I ever expected. And I'm throwing it all right back in his face with my worry. It's like I want to be miserable.

Sometimes I feel like it's my job to over-analyze every little mistake I make. I worry that if I don't think through every possible scenario, I will get blindsided. I feel like I'm dropping the ball if I don't worry. I feel like I'm not taking my imperfections seriously if I don't dwell upon them.

I need to remember Romans 8:38-39: "nothing can separate me from the love of God." I need to remember Luke 12:25-27: "²⁵And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁶ If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? ²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin..." 

It's so easy, though, to automatically say God's love isn't strong enough to wipe away consequences. It's so easy to think God wants me to suffer for my mistakes.

His sending his son to the cross, however, offers a completely different message. He sacrificed his one and only son to pay the penalty for my mistakes. Clearly he offers unconditional love despite my worthless state. I need to accept that as enough.

So, I just need to keep preaching this to myself. I must get it through my thick skull. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles to push past the sin of worry. Hopefully these truths from God's word help you to overcome these struggles. I think it's something I will battle my whole life, but with God's help I can stay strong and avoid the mental institution. 

Photo from Microsoft Office Collection

The Ugly Side

This is a great post by another blogger that totally captures the purpose of my blog. Sometimes I worry I talk about my failures too much. I probably do, but my hope is I can be real and encouraging to others.

Check it out!

It's so easy to paint a beautiful picture of ourselves for the cyber world to see. I mean, how many pictures of myself have I untagged on Facebook? How many times do I clean my house before I take pictures of something? How many times do I worry that my mother-in-law thinks I'm a terrible housewife after reading my posts?

Embrace your failures, learn from them, and move on.

Changing Perspectives

I currently have a lot of faulty perspectives in my life. I tend to imagine situations that don't/won't exist. I tend to think my house is too messy to ever get cleaned. I tend to think I need to watch as much TV as I can possibly cram into the few hours of free time I have in the evening. I tend to think leaving a restaurant without being stuffed is a waste of money. I tend to think everyone is laughing at how ridiculous I am/look.

All of these things detract from true happiness. Whenever God gives me the strength to rise above these perspectives, I experience glimpses of what life could really be like. So why don't I banish these perspectives from my life? Why do I allow them to dictate my happiness?

I've really been doing some soul-searching lately. I KNOW I would be happier knitting the evening away than frittering the evening away on Facebook. I KNOW I would be happier spending a significant amount of time reading my Bible than reading annoying articles by stay-at-home moms about how hard their lives are. I KNOW I would be happier living in a clean, organized home than living in a pigsty. I KNOW God wants me to rise above my laziness and faulty perspectives. I just need to get up and get moving. Like I said yesterday, it's the getting up and moving that stinks.

So, I'm going to finish this post. I'm going to start a load of laundry. I'm going to wash dishes while listening to Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. I'm going to grade papers while watching reality TV on Netflix. I'm going to knit for a little bit before bed (if there's any time left over). I'm going to enjoy my evening. I'm not going to invent imaginary impossible situations. I'm going to think of this list whenever I'm tempted to waste time on Facebook.

Source: Uploaded by user via Melissa on Pinterest

I'm going to live life the way it's meant to be lived.

The Therapy of Fishing

I look like a little girl here...ok, ok, I am still a little girl.

Yesterday, I posted about my little excursion to a new fishing spot. Today, my husband and I spent the morning fishing there. It was like therapy (of which I know nothing about, but imagine it to be this good). We woke up kind of late because Ben worked overnight. It was supposed to rain, but we were desperate to be outside and to be outside together. So, we ran to Wal-Mart for bait and Subway for lunch and hit the pond. I almost stayed in the car to read because it was pretty chilly, but I decided time with Ben was more important than being cold.

Look at that posture! My mom would be so proud.

I'm so glad I made that decision. Ben and I each caught five fish. He even caught a little pickerel. I only caught one fish last summer, so I was pretty excited. The best part was being outside away from slow-moving traffic, obnoxious PA accents, and abrasive people (In case you didn't know, PA is filled with slow-moving traffic, obnoxious accents, and abrasive people.) It's like I was filled to the brim with peace. God led us there. There's no other way to describe it. On the way home, I kept saying "I haven't been this happy in a long time," or "I can't even begin to describe how happy I am right now." Spending quality time with my husband outside away from the pressures of real life is absolutely priceless.

Trying to humanely release his pickerel. I'm sure it's floating on top of the pond now.

 One thing that really struck me was how "ugly" everything technically was. The lily pads were dead, the reeds were dead, the dam was falling apart, the sky was overcast, there was a dead fish rotting next to me. But you know what? All of that ugliness transformed into beauty for me. God allowed me to see past the ugly in order that I could find the beauty. So that rotting fish carcass became beautiful to me. Those dead reeds made the coolest sound when the wind blew through them. The overcast sky kept the people away.

What a stud-muffin!

Tomorrow I'll deal with the beautiful mess created by the worms spilling in the back of my car. Of course I just had to detail the inside of my car last Saturday. Oh the joys of perfectionism.

Dream Job

I just read a post on another blog about how the author feels as if she missed her dream job. She feels stuck. She feels that life just swept by her. She wants to write, but feels there are too many hindrances in the way.

I'm fairly young. I'll be 25 in June. I have a lot of life ahead of me. There is still so much for me to experience and accomplish. I'm worried though that life is going to sweep right by me. I'm worried that I'm going to be too busy wallowing in self-pity over my life circumstances (which are not pitiful at all) that I miss my life's calling. I'm worried that I'm going to be too busy playing it safe that I don't take risks.

I've mentioned before here that I have planned my life "perfectly" thus far. I graduated on time, got married on time, started my career on time, didn't start a family too soon, etc.... Now, I know that I didn't really cause my life to work out this way. I know plenty of other people whose lives turned out completely different. God blessed me with my life path and helped me make wise choices. I don't really know why God has allowed me to follow my "special little path" so well up until this point. The problem is, I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of a certain part of my special little path: my career.

When I was in high school, I labored over my career decision. I was determined to stick with whatever path I chose. I wasn't entirely sold on being a teacher. I felt like I was selling myself short. I felt like I was capable of so much more. (This is not to say being a teacher is an easy, worthless job. Believe me, I know better now!) I started leaning towards teaching because I really liked the field of education and always enjoyed school. In college, I soaked up my education classes and could not wait to get into the classroom. I had a partially awesome student-teaching experience (one of my coop teachers was...well... nevermind). I enjoyed teaching for the most part my first two years. This year I've really enjoyed parts of teaching, and I've really loathed parts of teaching. Dealing with unreasonable parents really squelches your love of teaching.***

So, I started thinking back to my real passion in life: writing. The thing about writing is, it's risky. It doesn't carry a guaranteed paycheck. If your work gets rejected, it's like you are being rejected. It requires great discipline (and you already know what a lazy perfectionist I am). My husband is all for it. He is constantly encouraging me to write. My dad has been my biggest champion in my writing. He always edited my papers in high school and told me I was a good writer. So, I started this blog with hopes of really pursuing my future in writing. I figure that I need to write with some sort of audience if I'm ever going to get paid to do it in the future.

I hope I don't chicken out. I really want to write. I'm hoping this blog gives me the courage and practice I need in order to succeed in writing. I know it sounds cliche, and that everyone hopes their blog turns into a book. I'm not necessarily hoping for that. I just want to write, write, write.

***Note: I'm not planning on quitting my job anytime soon. A good long summer vacation will surely cure what ails me. Teaching really is a wonderful career. : )

What is a lazy perfectionist?

When I was in high school, I started noticing signs of perfectionism creep into my life. Whenever I would have a project due in any of my classes, I would obsess over it until the wee hours of the morning until it was almost perfect. The problem was, I never quite reached perfection because I would be too tired or too lazy and would just say "good enough."

This lazy perfectionism is today evidenced in my approach to housecleaning. Currently, my home is a disaster. I live in a teeny-tiny 500 square foot studio apartment that looks like something off of the A&E TV show Hoarders by Saturday morning of each week. I want my house to look perfect daily. I want to relax on my couch each evening with a cup of tea in one hand and my Kindle in the other. The only problem is, I'm too lazy to keep my house perfect so I end up sitting in uncomfortable positions on my couch browsing Pinterest, Facebook, and random blogs with the intention of being productive. I constantly feel frustrated with myself and get even more frustrated with myself when I see the "perfection" of others on their blogs and Facebook profiles.

Often when I read these blogs, the bloggers will bemoan their blog envy and will talk about how imperfect their lives are. The only problem is, every picture on their blog is perfectly crafted. Every post is perfectly and poetically crafted. When they post pictures of perfection, they apologize for their imperfection even though the rest of the world would never notice it if they hadn't pointed it out.

So I got to thinking. I really want to write a blog from a standpoint that is not quite so cliche. This is the fourth time I've tried blogging. I'm hoping it sticks this time. I don't have any great talents or abilities to share with the rest of the world. I do have my struggle with lazy perfectionism. I'm willing to bet there are a lot of others out there with the same struggles. So join me on my journey as I try to cope with my imperfection.